Metal Hammer December 2007 – Spanish Inquisition

December 21, 2011 § Leave a comment

What proportion of fights do you win?

-Adam, myspace
Bloody Kev: “It’s pretty good really.”
‘Big’ John Loughlin: “Yeah, I’d say about 95 per cent.”
Jay Thompson: “I’ve actually not been in that many fights.”
John: “I did go a bit Vinnie Jones on a six-foot three-inch Belgian Nazi once. I had his head and I was slamming the can door on it. But you know Nazis. Fuck ’em. They get what’s coming to ’em.”

What is the worst you’ve ever come off in a fight?

-Captain Caveman, email
Kev: “I had my jaw broken in Nottingham Rock City once. I was asking for it because I was being a cunt. I started a fight. The bouncers broke it up, I started the fight again. The bouncers broke my jaw. It was my own fault. And yes, it does smart slightly. I’m not quite as wild now as when I lived in Nottingham to be honest.”
Jay: “Yeah, he only picks on small people now, that way he wins all of his fights.”
John: “I had a footprint on my face once. And about seven all over my back. And that probably wasn’t even the worst. I’d been attacked by about nine people. I won though. I think our reputation goes before us. People don’t know Speedhorn for their music but more their attitude and reputation.”
Jay: “It’s not like we fight that much really. I think we’ve grown up a lot. I mean John can battle anyone but I just need to stand out of the way. People say, ‘You’re in Speedhorn you must be well hard.’ And if they want to think that then fair play but it’s not true.”

Have you ever genuinely woken up and wondered where the fuck you are?

-Miss Satan, myspace
Kev: (like he’s talking to a child) “Yeah!”
John: “All the time. I mean, I drank three bottles of Jägermeister on my last birthday and I woke up in a garage somewhere in the countryside. I had to walk for three hours until I got somewhere that I recognized. But I’m not an alcoholic because it was on my birthday.”
Kev: “It happens to me every single time I come to London.”
Jay: “I get more worried when I wake up naked outdoors going, ‘Oh God! Where are my clothes? I must have been playing naked pool last night again.'”

If you could get away with murder, who would it be and why?

-Bob, email
John: “Can we only have one? There’s not much point if it’s only one person.”
Jay: “I’d kill the rest of the band and form Jay Thompson’s Raging Speedhorn and get all that sweet money.”
John: “What money? There’s actually have to be some money for your plan to work.”
Jay: “We actually would make money if I was in charge and you were dead.”
John: “I’ve got a list but there aren’t enough pages in Metal Hammer to contain it.”
Kev: “Who sent that question in? We’re going to come and murder you, Bob.”

Weren’t you supposed to be getting really big a few years back or something?

-Dimmu Borgir’s Bitch, birmingham
Jay: “Actually, I think that all went out of the window when Frank left. We’d just released a new album and we couldn’t even tour it or anything.”
John: “Also, it’s wrong to say we were getting big. We never have been. Admittedly we’d played some really big shows but we never saw any money out of it.”
Jay: “Also there were a lot of bullshit record label issues we had to sort out. It’s all the background stuff that no one ever sees. All the wank.”
John: “Also we weren’t ever going to be big, it’s just that people hate us and love coming to see us in case we’re drunk and we really fuck up.”

You’re driving a bus over a high bridge and you notice Bring Me The Horizon tied up in the middle of the road. In order to avoid hitting them, you’ll need to swerve off into the river. Do you like cheese?

-Sandra, email
John: “We’d stop the bus, get out and kill every motherfucking one of them by hand. We’d take a knife to them. Carve them into little slices.”
Jay: “We’d get teh pretty, long-haired one as a sex toy and keep him on the bus.”
John: “We don’t even know them. We just don’t like the cut of their jib.”
Hammer: “Well, it is true that in the dark a man’s mouth is very much like a woman’s mouth.”
Kev: “Cheese?”

What do you know about your band member that you wish you could unremember?

-Milenko, myspace
John: “Gordon sucking a cock, Kev pulling hairs our of Jay’s arse with a pair of pliers… there are very many things about this band I’d like to get out of my mind.”
Jay: “I wish I could forget about Gaz’s cock. Every other day he decides that he needs to get pissed and wave it around like a magic wand.”
John: “I tell you what though, one thing I never want to forget is Gaz pissing though a letter box in Covent Garden and then him being forced to clean it up while and old woman screamed at her grandchildren, ‘Stay away from that man – he’s the spawn of Satan!'”
Kev: “I can tell Metal Hammer‘s most interested in the cock sucking though.”
Jay: “He was really drunk to be fair and he was mortified after it happened.”
John: “We were all drunk and over in America once and Gordon and Dave were wrestling and we were filming it. Iur friend Lars walks up to them while we’re filming, drips his trousers and starts hitting Gordon on the back of his head with his cock. Gordon thought it was someone’s hand so he wend like this [mimes what looks like Gene Simmons eating a kebab] ‘Aaaaaaah!’ until he realized that he had Lars’ cock on his tongue and then he was like ‘Arrrghhhhhh!’ Then he jumped up and started going, ‘Oh no! Oh no!’ I think he thought he was gay… just because he’d had another man’s cock in his mouth.”
Hammer: “I’m pretty sure the gay induction process is a lot more complex than that. It pretty much allows for the occasional drunken accidental cock sucking.”
Kev: “He made us wipe it off the video camera unfortunately. Then he phoned up his girlfriend for reassurance but she just said, ‘What do you want me to do about it?'”

On the big scale of bands with two singers from Linkin Park (awful) to 3 Inches Of Blood (amazing). Where do you come?

-Denizen K., london
John: “Just next to Linkin Park.”
Jay: “Yeah, just next to Linkin Park but that’s because we think Linkin Park are amazing and 3 Inches Of Blood are shit.”
John: “Do we?”
Jay: “Yes. Extreme Noise Terror are the best band with two singers, though.”

How does it feel knowing that your new album is going to sink without a trace?

-Caligula, welwyn garden city
John: “What, unlike the rest of them you mean? Really, it doesn’t bother us. If it sinks without a trace then fine. We’re still doing what we want to do. We do alright.”
Jay: “We like it, that’s what matters. I’m not bothered unless Caligula happens to be SPV’s head of A&R and then I would be a bit scared.”
Hammer: “There’s a definite shift away from metalcore and emo going back to real metal happening at the moment though. That’s got to be good for you, surely?”
John: “I don’t know. It would be nice to make some money for the first time in nine years, that’s for sure. But it’s been so long now that if we don’t it really doesn’t matter.”
Jay: “Yeah we’re not really bothered about making money as long as we can keep on doing what we’re doing. And look at Kev. He’s even older than us. He’s been part of the scene since the 50s.”
Kev: “Yeah, I’ve been round since the rock’n’roll days and I haven’t seen any money.”

The popular vitamin known as speed actually causes erectile dysfunction after years of use. What is team Speedhorn’s antidote to what is more commonly known as “roadie’s droop?”

-Hammers And Spanners, email
Kev: “A marker pen and gaffer tape.”
John: “What’s that one you use Jay?”
Jay: “Oh yeah, I just slap my cock against a metal sink until I get some feeling back in it. You have to watch the video of Gordon sucking a cock first to get a little bit of movement going. The slapping it against a sink thing is one of Status Quo’s old tricks apparently. They also used to project porn out of their hotel window onto a building across the street and all have a wank out of the window together.” (Allegedy, Blue Denim Legal Ed)

How much do you owe Iron Monkey in unpaid royalties?

-Iron Monkey’s Mum, email
John: “About 180 grand. But it’s alright though, Doug [Dalziel, IM bassist] said we could work the debt off at our leisure.”
Kev: “We know Iron Monkey, I was on their last album. Anyway, we don’t owe them as much money as we owe to Breach for the latest album.”

Are you gutted that Bam Margera is a fan of Viking Skull and not Speedhorn?

-Jack’s Ass, email
John: “No.”
Jay: “I am. I’m very upset that some dwarf stuntman who has made his living from riding a BMX and is famous for falling off skateboards is not our fan. I’m very upset.”
John: “Sometimes he cries at night.”

How did you react when Frank left?

-Reedspawn, email
John: “Fuck him, the fat cunt.”
Jay: “Thank fuck. Where’s Kev’s number? That’s what I thought. Let’s get Kev in who isn’t going to be moaning all the time.”
John: “As you may have guessed, he left on bad terms. He went about it the wrong way. He thought he’d just say ‘I’m leaving’ and that would be that for the band. He left to spend more time with his wife but he isn’t with her any more.”
Jay: “He also had a day job and he had to pay the mortgage or whatever but I think he was under the impression that we’d just crumble without him, that the band would be no more. But obviously that isn’t what happened.”

You had a single out called ‘The Gush’ which was based around a Chris Morris Jam sketch about a man who ejaculates himself to death. What or who would you think of to stop yourselves from shooting your bolt?

-Bad Kev, email
John: “Gordon. Thinking about Gordon works pretty well for me in most instances.”
Jay: “I think once you’re in the zone nothing can stop you. You’re done for.”

Source: Metal Hammer, issue 173, pg. 84

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