101 Rules for… Glam Metal

March 10, 2014 § Leave a comment

1. Make sure you use at least 5 cans of hairspray a day.
2. Makeup is mandatory.
3. Your guitar should be brightly colored.
4. One of your main goals is to see how many amps you can fit on stage.
5. Your other is to see how many half naked female dancers you can fit on stage.
6. You should always be wearing spandex pants.
7. If you look at all like a man, then you aren’t ready to leave the house.
8. Every song that you write should be about drugs or sex.
9. The main riff of your songs should be two power chord eighth notes followed by a rest. See “Cherry Pie” by Warrant.
10. Your solos should be melodic, and repetitive. See “Talk Dirty To Me” as made famous by Poison.
11. People should only be able to tell you from your half naked female dancers by the dick print in your spandex. Other than that, you should look just like them.
12. If you don’t have sex with at least 50 women after a show, then the show was a waste of time for you.
13. You have to make cheesy music videos for all of your singles.
14. Your videos have to involve hot chicks and fast cars, unless it is for a ballad, in which it still could have them.
15. Every album you release should have one sappy “power” ballad.
16. You have to be dating a stripper at all times.
17. You must cheat on her after every show with groupies.
18. When she dumps you for it you have to write a shitty “power” ballad about it.
19. You are also allowed to date porn stars.
20. If you get married, then you have to get a divorce within a year.
21. If you are not already there, then you must move to L.A.
22. Advertise as many things as humanly possible.
23. Make sure that you list Judas Priest as one of your biggest influences, even though you are nothing like Judas Priest.
24. In every interview, say how much you love heavy metal, and how you love playing it, even though there is nothing heavy about you or your band.
25. If you know how many women you have slept with, then you haven’t done enough.
26. If you aren’t playing, then you should be high or drunk.
27. You should really be both.
28. There should always be an after party.
29. You should be addicted to at least 10 hard drugs.
30. You should use cocaine to get energy for a show.
31. If you see a girl you want to have sex with, then ask, and if she doesn’t say no, then do what you want to do.
32. If you don’t have any STDs then you need to have more sex.
33. If you don’t have any kids then you need to have more sex.
34. If you can still think clearly then you need more drugs.
35. Your singer must be a soprano, or an alto, but still must be a dude.
36. You can’t actually know what a soprano or alto is.
37. All of your albums should have parental advisory stickers on them.
38. Your outfits should be colorful and glittery.
39. Your album covers should be either a picture of a naked chick, or a picture of a band member’s crotch.
40. You should glorify drugs and sex with everything you do.
41. You should always wear a scarf.
42. You should also tie a scarf around your microphone stand.
43. All thrash bands, thrash fans, and parents should hate your guts.
44. If no one calls you a faggot, then you need to look more feminine.
45. Paint your fingernails.
46. You should dance at all of your shows.
47. Someone in your band needs to overdose on heroin.
48. Afterward they will get clean, and claim to be “high on life.”
49. If you wear a t-shirt, then the sleeves should be ripped off.
50. Your t-shirt should also be either for your band, or for a porno magazine. Preferably Hustler.
51. Your music videos should offend all feminists.
52. You have to claim that your music is about “having fun.”
53. You should own at least fifty guitars, even if you are the drummer.
54. At least one of these should have never been played.
55. You should get a front door key to the playboy mansion.
56. You should trash every hotel room you stay in.
57. If you are in a non-smoking hotel room, then smoking is mandatory.
58. You should start your own line of clothing for babies.
59. Make sure you play lots of covers.
60. Write your singles to try to get as much radio airplay as humanly possible.
61. Make sure that you always shave. If you grow a beard you might actually look like a man and we can’t have that.
62. You can only play stadiums, and clubs on the sunset strip.
63. You must have a drug dealer on your speed dial.
64. You must have a hooker on your speed dial.
65. Actually, you should have several of each on speed dial.
66. You should own at least 10 fast cars.
67. Pyrotechnics and lights are the most important part of your stage show.
68. Your songs should not be heavy at all.
69. In fact, they should be extremely poppy.
70. You should still however claim to be heavy metal.
71. If your dating a girl with small breasts, then make sure you buy her the biggest implants you can.
72. You should be drunk or high for every show.
73. Actually, you should always be drunk or high.
74. You should also always have a chick on each arm.
75. Never, ever, under any circumstances, cut your hair.
76. The only places you should have hair is you head and your chest.
77. Your outfit should show your chest hair.
78. Chest hair should be the only masculine thing about you.
79. If you ever write a song that is not about sex or drugs, you should never play it.
80. You can also re-write it to be about sex or drugs.
81. Never play fast. Speed chases away the pop audience.
82. If you aren’t high, then you need to get some kind of drug immediately.
83. If you aren’t drunk, then you need a drink now.
84. You can’t drink beer though, you have to drink a fruity drink.
85. Make sure that you tell the crowd that you love them and that they have been great. NO MATTER WHAT.
86. You should try to get the biggest possible fan club.
87. Money is important.
88. You need money to buy drugs, and to get sex.
89. Your girlfriend should be extremely hot.
90. She should also be in one of your music videos.
91. I know that I already said it about 100 times, but drugs and sex.
92. Remember, that no matter what happens, you should always sell out.
93. Never palm mute anything. It would make you sound heavy, and that would be bad.
94. Claim that your band is great and unique because you have a vision, even though there are a hundred bands just like you.
95. Never say no to sex.
96. Never say no to drugs.
97. At your shows you should always encourage the female members of the audience to take of their top and jump up and down.
98. Just remember, there will always be one who actually does it.
99. You should make sure that at every show you play at least one “lighter song.”
100. You should get to sign a girl’s boobs after every show.
101. Once more, drugs and sex.

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