Metal Hammer February 2008 – Spanish Inquisition

May 25, 2014 § Leave a comment

You’ve used a lot of 80s-style guitar techniques on your new album ‘Lead Sails Paper Anchor’. Which bands from the 80s were you heavily influenced by?

-Half Man Half Biscuit, myspace
Alex Varkatuzas: “I liked Culture Club, Boy George, Duran Duran, and Flock Of Seagulls. Next question.”
Dan Jacobs: “I liked Wham.”
Brandon Saller: “Nah, my favorite was Huey Lewis. And The News.”
Dan: “No, not The News. Fuck The News. The News only brought Huey down, man.”
Hammer: “Do you like men who dress as women?”
Alex: “Boy George is a man?!”
Dan: “I thought it was a woman dressed as a man.”

Do you like to party like it’s 1989?

-Simon, email
Alex: “I party like it’s fucking 2015. We party like it’s the future.”
Dan: “I party like it’s 1800AD.”
Alex: “He parties like he’s Moses. It depends on what your idea of a party is. We knit and we read books.”

You’re an Orange County band. You’ve recorded a song called ‘Blow’ which you invited Josh Todd from Buckcherry to guest on… admit it, you secretly want to be Poison!

-Bret Michaels, orange county
Alex: “Are we supposed to believe that Bret Michaels sent that in? Last time I checked, Poison were from L.A., you moron!”
Brandon: “Poison are from Los Angeles and Josh Todd is just awesome.”
Alex: “And I wish I was in fucking Poison. Just to be clear.”
Dan: “We do actually wish we were Poison.”
Brandon: “Alex could have his own TV show.”
Dan: “I want a Dan Jacobs Rock Of Love!”

When ‘A Death-Grip On Yesterday’ came out last year, you said that it was the type of music you’d originallly planned on playing. So why totally abandon it for the style on ‘Lead Sails Paper Anchor’?

-Will, myspace
Alex: “Money. Hard, cold, fucking money.”
Brandon: “We just wanted to be rich and famous.”
Dan: “We got paid billions of dollars.”
Alex: “Hollywood Records gave us five million, Roadrunner Records gave us five million, and together we have $20 million.”
Dan: “But it’s not enough; we need more. Now we live in castles and stare down at all you small people walking around miserable and poor. And we laugh.”
Alex: “I bought Wales. I needed to make an investment.”
Hammer: “You think Wales’s stock will go up? Why not a safer bet, like Scotland?”
Dan: “We’re gonna get Scotland after the next album.”
Brandon: “But to answer the question seriously, I think they’re listening to the wrong record. We didn’t abandon our style. They’re just not listening to our records properly.”
Alex: “You should just go and stick your hand in the garbage disposal.”

My friends all say you have sold out and insulted your metalcore roots. They are right, aren’t they?

-Chris Wilkinson, hull
Alex: “Yes, they are right. I’ve made millions of dollars by making this record and I actually fly to all of our shows in the States in a private jet.”
Brandon: “The tour bus parked ourside and the dirty clothes hanging up in the dressing room, it’s all just an elaborate cover-up. We actually wear Armani suits and fly in a private jet to all our shows.”
Alex: “And we don’t walk anywhere either. We have limousines to take us from the stage door to the tour bus 20 yards away.”
Brandon: “The tour buses that aren’t even ours? I have my own jet, dude.”
Dan: “And we have lots of giant cucumbers just waiting for our pleasure.”
Brandon: “In answer to the original question, your friends are right. Just to be clear on that.”
Alex: “Your friends are bitches.”

Why do the people who dislike your band dislike your band?

-YouSuck, myspace
Alex: “Because they probably like to gobble cock.”
Brandon: “Because they don’t like good music.”
Alex: “And they’re all too busy playing hide the salami. In their friends.”

Which band would you most like to send down the river in a boat with lead sails and a paper anchor?

-Jack W., myspace
All: “Atreyu!”
Brandon: “We don’t actually like being in a band; we just do it for the money.”

If you were to all have side-projects, what would they all sound like?

-Scott, myspace
Alex: “Anything I could do to get money.”
Brandon: “50 Cent, because I hear he’s abig right now.”
Alex: “Kanye West because he has the biggest-selling record in the entire world at the moment.”
Dan: “I’d like to be in Nickelback.”
Alex: “Whatever I could possibly do to sell out. More.”
Hammer: “So what would be your biggest sell-out Kanye-style collaboration?”
Brandon: “Kanye and Timberlake already teamed up.”
Dan: “That’s fucking serious money in the bank right there. Kanye West and Justin Timberlake. That’s all you need. And U2. No more. Maybe the Rolling Stones. And AC/DC. But that’s it.”
Alex: “And Pantera. But that’s it. And Metallica. But no more.”
Dan: “That’s a good point.”
Alex: “And Black Sabbath. But don’t forget Heaven And Hell.”
Dan: “I fucking love Dio.”

In the novel ‘The Neverending Story’, Atreyu was a green-skinned warrior…

-Dan Howard, email
Alex: “Who fucking reads? Next question…”

Have you ever thought about painting yourselves green and playing battle metal instead of wearing eyeliner and playing dull metalcore?

-Dan Howard, email
Brandon: “We did that for the first two years as a band.”
Alex: “Is this question from Ireland? Maybe we’ll just go play in Ireland as a bunch of leprechauns.”

To Dan Jacobs: Is this why your guitar is covered in green electrician’s tape? In honor of the character Atreyu.

-Pottsie, myspace
Alex: “Who fucking reads?!”
Dan: “Erm, yyyes?”
Alex: “No.”
Dan: “The character is green?”
Brandon: “He’s green in the book?”
Alex: “How would you know the character has green skin if it’s in a fucking book? It’s words on a page!”
Dan: “I just think bright green is really cool-looking.”

Don’t you think that’s a bit lame?

-Claire Williams, myspace
Dan: “Yyyyeeeah. It is. Very lame.”
Alex: “Reading a book about a kid when you’re a grown-assed man and then asking a band questions about it that are stupid… that’s lame.”
Dan: “That is lame. Very lame.”

If you could be someone famous for a whole day, who would you choose to be?

-Alex, myspace
Dan: “Myself.”
Alex: “Kanye West.”
Brandon: “Dan Jacobs.”
Dan: “If you could be in a band for a day, which band would you be in? I would be in my band.”
Alex: “Britney Spears.”
Hammer: “You want to be in Britney Spears?”
Alex: “No, I just wanna be Britney Spears.”
Dan: “I’d like to be in Britney Spears. Her shit’s kinda beat up, but I’d still like to be in her.”
Brandon: “I just want to be ‘Big’ Dan.”

Is there anything you know about your bandmates that you wish you could un-know?

-James Herron, email
Brandon: “No. Everything about us is pretty fucking awesome!”
Dan: “Yeah, we’re pretty rad.”

You were on the soundtrack to Underworld: Evolution. Did you misread the invitation and thought you were gong to get into Kate Beckinsale’s underwear?

-Katie J., myspace
Dan: “We tried, but we just ended up giving her a creepy Cape Fear kind of look from a distance at the afterparty and that was it.”
Alex: “Dan and her kissed.”
Dan: “Yeah, actually, at the afterparty, I hooked up with her. Kate! I’m coming for you! This song ‘Blow’ is for you!”

Can any of you guys burp and fart at exactly the same time?

-Katya, myspace
Brandon: “I can’t burp at all.”
Dan: “You shit yourself if you do that, don’t you? Not Brandon not being able to burp — burping and farting at the same time I mean.”
Brandon: “You’d shart.”
Dan: “Or shurp.”
Alex: “There’d be some kind of supernova.”
Dan: “I think the world would come to an end.”
Brandon: “It’d be like an atom bomb going off. It would spread 20 miles out. It’d just destroy everything.”
Dan: “Or you’d spontaneously combust. Only inward.”

Alex Varkatzas pumps iron for fun. He is really a jock in disguise.

-Allan, myspace
Alex: “Yeah. No question.”

Can you prove it by burping the alphabet?

-Allan, myspace
Alex: “That’s not jock! That’s meathead. I can prove it by not burping the alphabet.”
Brandon: “Just tell everyone how much you can rep.”
Alex: “Three million kilos. I can do one-fingered push-ups too. And other kinds of push-ups. But that’s not for Hammer readers. That’s for another magazine. That’s for the top shelf.”

Source: Metal Hammer, issue 175, pg. 64
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