101 Rules for… Thrash Metal

June 15, 2014 § Leave a comment

1. Be violent.
2. Be aggressive.
3. Show hate.
4. If you can’t show hate, show some anger.
5. But not St. Anger.
6. You are forbidden to show emotions.
7. Well, you can show anger.
8. But not St. Anger.
9. Never, ever, under any circumstances smile. Smiling is gay.
10. Thus, Anthrax is the gayest band ever.
11. Sing about killing, raping, torturing and destroying people.
12. Have no courage for even killing an ant.
13. Old-School thrash is the only thrash.
14. Comeback albums are not.
15. Don’t be James Hetfield.
16. Don’t be Dave Mustaine.
17. DON’T listen to punk, punk is gay.
18. Secretly, listen to the Misfits.
19. Hate new bands, old-school thrash is the only thrash.
20. Hate crossovers, old-school thrash is the only thrash.
21. If you run out of ideas, remember: life sucks, goverment sucks, you reject this fucking place, you despise this fucking race.
22. No matter if you are 15, say that you remember seeing those news about the death of Cliff Burton.
23. Say that you cried.
24. Aha!
25. ’80s were the best time for thrash, try to be born in the ’60s-’70s to release your best album during that period.
26. Release your best album in 1986.
27. If you can’t, you can do it in 1987.
28. After the ’90s forget about thrash, ’90s are so… unthrash!.
29. You have two options:
30. a) Split your band up.
31. b) Make some trash metal.
32. You can go heavy: anth… mega…
33. Or tribal: sepul…
34. Maybe industrial: krea…
35. Also country: met…
36. Even punky: sod…
37. If you split your band up in early ’90s, you’ve got permission to reform in early 2000’s, and release one or two albums, then split again.
38. If you didn’t break up, pretend to release a comeback album, after a decade of shit.
39. Kindly refer to rule #14, and madly to rule #5.
40. Own hundreds of old-school demos and albums.
41. Own Master Of Puppets.
42. Actually, listen only to this album.
43. Well, and maybe Reign In Blood.
44. Keep complaining about Metallica selling out.
45. Keep complaining about Megadeth selling out.
46. Keep complaining about [random bandname here] selling out.
47. Ballads are gay.
48. Naming a song “The Ballad” is even more GAY.
49. Keep this in mind, you were not a child.
50. And when you were, your childhood was full of sorrow.
51. But at least you didn’t get molested, leave that for nu-metal suckers.
52. Remember about your mother and father – and the undying spite you feel for them.
53. Acoustic guitars are limited to showing proeficiency, or intros/outros/interludes.
54. Release an album consisting of punk covers, this is not optional.
55. Remember, for riffs, you only have two strings, the 6th and 5th.
56. For solos you only have one, the 1st, maybe the 2nd.
57. You are forbidden to growl, unless you are from Germany.
58. Or from Brazil.
59. You are not Kreator, nor Sodom nor Destruction, and you never will be.
60. Try to be them.
61. Don’t be death metal, death is dumb.
62. Don’t be black metal, black is dumb.
63. Music theory? gimmie a break!!
64. Don’t be progressive, progressive is dumb.
65. Hate any subgenre influenced by thrash, read rule #13.
66. Feel the fire of thrash burning your soul.
67. Not your body!!!! Read rule #15.
68. Look at you, your feelings turn stronger than hate!!!.
69. Sing a lot against religion, about killing Jesus and so on.
70. Claim to be Roman Catholic even if you do so.
71. Or claim to be Atheist, and remember, Satan is funny, nazis were funny, serial killers are funny, shame on you Kerry King!
72. Only one member is allowed to sing.
73. Well, other members can scream at choruses.
74. Allowed words are: Die! Kill! Hell! Hey!
75. Don’t have friends, friendship is gay.
76. Don’t have girlfriends, that’s gay.
77. What?!
78. Death metal’s hostillity towards gayness is borrowed from thrash metal’s. (read Death Metal rules, of course don’t follow them).
79. When naming your favorite bands, always name Metallica first.
80. Forget about those bands which have the sound you have searched for years.
81. If you are from Brazil, name your band after a coffin related thing: Sepultura, Sarcófago, and so on.
82. San Francisco shores used to be good for writing thrash in the ’80s.
83. Power-Thrash: what?! Aggressive dragons?
84. Death-Thrash: read rule 61.
85. Black-Thrash: haven’t you read rule 62 yet? Also, black is so… unthrash.
86. Progressive-Thrash: read rule 64.
87. Post-Thrash: post-thrash is forbidden, read rule #13.
88. Secretly listen to Pantera.
89. I mean, secretly listen to their first albums.
90. Gotcha! You are gay!
91. No matter if it’s legal now, sue Napster!!!
92. Asking for melodic thrash bands is the gayest thing that someone could ever do.
93. –“Seriously, can you recommend me a melodic thrash band?”–
94. Death, Death Angel, Dark Angel, Morbid Angel, Morbid Saint – THESE BANDS ARE NOT THE SAME!!!
95. Five more to go!
96. Write rules for thrash metal, its a chick magnet.
97. Reading rules for thrash metal its also a chick magnet.
98. Kill Bob Rock!
99. Ask Rick Rubin to do that.
100. Be enemy of your fellow thrashers.
101. Done!

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