101 250 Rules for… Melodic Death Metal

September 7, 2014 § Leave a comment

1. Metalcore is not melodic death metal.
2. Don’t be Anders Fridén.
3. Claim that you are open to all genres of music, but only listen to melodic death metal.
4. If a band changes their sound, even a little bit, even in the opposite direction of mainstream music, accuse them of being sell-outs.
5. If you’re not Swedish, pretend to be.
6. Pretend that you see the difference between Children Of Bodom, Norther and dozens more Finnish bands.
7. Gothenburg, Sweden was named after the genre (without In Flames and Dark Tranquillity, it would be the nameless place!!!).
8. Opeth is not Gothenburg!!! (if you think otherwise drop yourself to a bottomless pit, you psycho!!).
9. If somebody tells you that At The Gates are the fathers of metalcore, punch him in the face.
10. Although Alexi Laiho paints his fingernails black, if you do the same you will look as gay, not as true Children Of Bodom fan.
11. Have your record produced by Peter Tägtgren.
12. Always give credits to Scandinavian scene (Gothenburg rulez understood?).
13. Headbang but no mosh! (we don’t want to get hurt right?).
14. The Haunted is melo-death (it must be – because of Björler bros.).
15. If you cannot execute the circular head bang AND shred at the same time, do not even attempt to play melodic death.
16. If a hardcore pit breaks out at your show, threaten to leave the stage. Encourage jumping, devil horns, and aforementioned circular headbanging.
17. It is crucial to have at least 1 pointy guitar up on stage at all times (Explorer, Flying V, etc). Both guitarists using them constantly is a plus.
18. Wait, fuck Tägtgren. Fredrik Nordström is the one and only true melodeath producer.
19. Never use the word ‘melodeath’.
20. Melodic death metal is NOT death metal with melodies.
21. It is absolutely crucial to have an album written about either: a) the imminent downfall of western civilization due to technology, OR b) astrology, astronomy, or anything related to stars. Yes, Star Wars is fair game.
22. But still don’t be Anders Fridén.
23. Whenever you say anything about In Flames, ALWAYS (I mean it!!) specify old In Flames or new In Flames (kinda like B.C. and A.C.).
24. Anyway, it’s better not to mention new In Flames at all.
25. Although always important to specify whether you are talking about old In Flames or new In Flames, realize that nobody actually knows when one ended and the other began.
26. Get involved in a long and repetitive argument that never reaches a conclusion discussing when one ended and the other began. On the internet.
27. Make your music as technical as possible with plenty of solos (guitar AND keyboards if possible), changes of rhythm etc.
28. The majority of band-members must play also in other bands or have its own side-projects.
29. Soilwork isn’t In Flames.
30. Don’t let the bald man be a vocalist in your band. No matter how well he growls, he’ll make you look as a metalcore band, which is gay.
31. At The Gates are fathers of metalcore (see rule 9).
32. Make your vocalist grow really long hair, then plait it into dreadlocks.
33. Shit… rule #2… so cross that off!
34. Make sure that your mum doesn’t see your CD collection with mad CD covers and take them to the next priest.
35. Go to Japan and make a live album! (This is crucial!!!).
36. Don’t waste your time trying to explain to a death metaller that, when his guitar sounds strange and unloud, it ain’t because the amp is broken. Just tell him to turn the “gain” switch on, and he’ll be thankful.
37. Don’t waste your time trying to explain a death metaller that there are hundreds of chords besides power chords, they might hurt their fingers.
38. Both cases above mentioned also apply for black metallers.
39. Remember, whenever a death/black/grind/porn/brutal metaller calls you a fag, tell him that at least you know what a scale is. That will leave him confused and dizzy.
40. Even better, if you wanna see them scratch their heads talk to them about HAR-MO-NY.
41. Never mention to a death/black/grind/porn/brutal metaller the word “CLEAN.” You may freak them out and they might refer to Sesame Street to figure it out.
42. Melodic death metal is NOT the same as death metal.
43. Make an instrumental song. Must have at least 1 on every album!
44. The cover art of your album has to be done by Niklas Sundin.
45. Or at least Björn Gooses, he also was in a melodic death band after all…
46. Get involved in a discussion of whether Children Of Bodom are melodic death or power metal. Don’t give up although that question has no answer.
47. One thing for sure, it’s not power metal. Power metal is kind of gay. If you can’t convince the other side, punch ’em in the face.
48. Thrash metal is not melodic death metal, but it’s good anyway, because in the beginning melodic death took some elements from thrash.
49. Copyright your riffs, as american metalcore bands will try and steel them.
50. Either listening or playing, never lose the sense of melodic death metal and turn to gay-metal.
51. Of u break rule 50, I will personally punch you, throw you off a cliff then jump after you to punch you more.
52. In other words just don’t be Anders Fridén. (For your sake, remember that!!!).
53. Shit ‘NEW’ and praise ‘OLD’ In Flames.
54. If this genre gives you a headache, don’t swear.
55. Say it nicely then we’ll even give you a tissue.
56. Former heavy metal bands like Black Sabbath are still the essence of all genres… Respect them as well… even if you don’t like it.
57. Your influences must be classic heavy metal bands, even if you don’t sound anything like it!
58. If you’re really nothing like them, make a cover song, or at least use some Iron Maiden riffs in your songs from now on.
59. If you started as melodeath band, never (I SAY NEVER) change your genre, or frustrated fans will call you sell-out, and keep spamming internet about how bad you are.
60. Rule 59 isn’t about In Flames and Soilwork.
61. You like Angela Gossow for something more than her body (you perv!!!).
62. Twin guitar solos!
63. Don’t forget — as a melodic death metaller, you are more sophisticated than other metallers.
64. Get drunk at your friend’s parents’ house and throw up in the kitchen sink.
65. Any real melodic death metal band has a either guy named Mikael, a guy named Anders, or two or more members with the same name. Bonus points if your band has all three.
66. Mispronounce the letter ‘J’.
67. Sing in English. It doesn’t matter if your lyrics don’t make sense. Who can understand your heavy-accented growling, anyway?
68. Remember, true melodic death metallers can always understand the vocals of their favorite bands.
69. If you can’t, check the lyrics printed inside of the album cover, but never, under any circumstances, admit it.
70. Listening to melodeath automatically makes you Swedish.
71. Give your cat a Swedish name.
72. If you don’t want to be Swedish, be Finnish.
73. However, if you do that, you risk being called a Children Of Bodom clone.
74. Even if your band sounds exactly like Dark Tranquility, nobody will mention it if you are Swedish.
75. If you’re going to rip off In Flames, please try not to be Anders Fridén.
76. Stop bringing up In Flames.
77. While wearing an In Flames t-shirt, whine about how much they piss you off.
78. No, seriously. Stop bringing up In Flames.
79. Infuse your heavily guitar-laden music with über-synths (i.e. industrial ambiances, ridiculously poorly sampled harpsichords, “EPIC” swells, and whatnot) at the beginning, ending, middle, or where ever you feel like it could add another layer, as if your music isn’t layered enough. (six guitar tracks, 4 vox tracks, 2 bass… etc).
80. If you are from USA, you already suck, because that’s not Sweden. However, if you insist on playing melodic death you should be extremely careful, because as an American you have much more chances to become metalcore.
81. In case you forgot, or simply need it spelled out. Metalcore = ultimate evil. And not the good evil.
82. In other words, metalcore = gay.
83. If you can achieve something big by following, reading or even looking at these rules on your life, you will have to give 10% of your earnings/year to us.
84. Ignoring rule 83 will only cause yourself things that’s not so good.
85. And yes we are threatening you.
86. Always use paper with weird fiery designs to write your music on.
87: Cheesy solos.
88. Kalmah is the best (conclusion).
89. Make obscure demos as it will enhance your pioneer status, and make ’em sound crappy.
90. Try to play at every single Wäcken festival.
91. A good melodeath band has quite a stable lineup, so make sure you get along well with all the members before you start playing.
92. Although it has been said several times already, you still can’t use the word “melodeath”.
93. To make sure you don’t say it again, saying “melodeath” makes you gay.
94. Melodic death metal isn’t something as the word ‘melodic’ sounds like. so don’t think of it as if it’s something like ’emo’.
95. Unlike the other genres, the topics that melodic death metal can use almost limitless.
96. No matter whether you like them or not, always say that The Gallery, Slaughter Of The Soul, and Whoracle are the best ever.
97. Even when Terminal Spirit Disease, The Mind’s Eye and Lunar Strain are actually better.
98. Everything released in the year 1995 is cult.
99. Everything released after 1996 is sellout.
100. So basically listen only to stuff made between 1995 and 1997 (It doesn’t leave you much to listen, but you know it’s the best of the best).
101. Melodic death metal is passionate and emotional, but NOT emo.
102. If you wish to make catchy choruses and nice solos, don’t ruin it with shitty, weak thrash wannabe verses.
103. If you can’t understand what the lyrics are when listening to the music, it doesn’t matter. They just better not suck anyways.
104. If the band broke up, it’s classic. If the band broke up before 1998, it’s cult classic. If the band broke up before 1998 and was from Gothenburg, it’s At The Gates.
105. And still try to not be Anders Fridén.
106. Release Japanese bonus tracks that the majority of your fans will not know about.
107. Never tour down under (Australia)… ever.
108. Sweden is the Father and Finland is the Son. Nobody qualifies for the Holy Spirit.
109. Record demos everybody knows exist, but nobody has actually heard… not even yourself!
110. Play with words and language to confuse others.
111. Never talk alone. Always search for someone to talk along with you the same but in different notes.
112. When you are angry, you still have to throw in some nice words, because you alternate between aggression and melody.
113. Sing clean, if you want, but not pathetic!
114. If your clean voice sucks, don’t sing clean. (In other words, don’t be Anders Fridén!).
115. Melodic death metal is more progressive than progressive metal!
116. For crap’s sake don’t be Anders Friedén.
117. If previous rule terminates your list of influences try on playing another genre (suggestions: britpop, bossa nova).
118. New In Flames is gay and nu-metal.
119. Never say or write goddamned “melodeath” or a pink hairy creature will climb up your legs and try to kill you… its MDM!
120. Take drugs and listen to Edge Of Sanity.
121. If you have nothing similar like drugs, try not to sleep until you’re so fucked up like being drugged… and listen to Edge Of Sanity
122. If you don’t know Edge Of Sanity go and buy any album of them… doesn’t matter if you like em or not!
123. There is no rule 123, its the evil number…
124. Tolerate nu-metal a bit… (if you see a nu-metaller kill him… but don’t touch him while trying, not even when he’s dead… his body is contaminated).
125. If you have experimented with drugs and Edge Of Sanity and you’re still alive and haven’t gone to the madhouse, just listen to the Pan.Thy.Monium. That should do the thing.
126. Dan Swanö is not a real person. It’s just a nickname for several dozens Swedish musicians.
127. And yes, some of them are totally insane.
128. Let your vocalist scream so not clear so no one can understand what he’s saying but actually like it, and think it’s brutal and satanic. But when they check the lyrics, they will see it’s a love song.
129. No one must understand the cover of your album.
130. You know Heartwork was an awesome album, but it doesn’t count because Carcass aren’t Swedish.
131. Release the best album ever then break up, change your lineup, or perform a combination of the two.
132. Disregard rule number 130 because it sucks cocks. Michael Amott was half-Swedish. Swedish enough.
133. At least one song in your whole discography must have female vocals.
134. You must have at least on cover of an unfamous rock band.
135. You used to love Nightwish, Sonata Arctica and mallcore bands, but now you hate them because you’re more experienced in life and you’re on a whole new level on music listening. Actually you’re experiencing life on a whole new level, now you like old In Flames better than new In Flames.
136. Melodic death metal is a REAL genre. Progressive, technical, gore, brutal, extreme, circus, and every other form of death metal are CLEARLY not. In fact, all death metal is melodic death metal, other bands aren’t mentioned and are evil.
137. You haven’t got a clue what the difference between hard rock and metal is; but there’s clearly a difference; I mean COME ON, just listen to the music! Rock hasn’t got shit to do with metal. Some rock is good though.
138. Random rule about Anders Fridén.
139. Buy every In Flames CD, even the new ones; but never listen to them, because they are not old In Flames.
140. Mention as many other bands in your booklet as possible – even if you didn’t ever meet them… Except Slipknot.
141. Melodic death metal is the best genre ever. And that’s a fact. Not even joking.
143. Never have clean vocals in every song!
144. Instrumental tracks in every album.
145. Don’t use keys, or some wannabe tr00 fans will flame you.
146. Have some mellow instrumental songs with acoustic guitar parts that are impossible to play.
147. Split up to gain cult status.
148. After you’ve split up, form a new band with the same line-up.
149. Release strikingly similar music to what you already played, but call it a re-invention.
150. Never make a song title ___ of the ___ because that is power metal, which is obviously gay.
151. Never step out of the usual melodic death metal song formula. If you try any sort of innovation in the genre, don’t expect to be regarded as the next savior of melodic death metal. Because you’re not melodeath melodic death metal [bad word detected]. You’re progressive death metal.
152. Always use but never overuse acoustic guitars and keyboards. If you do the latter, then you’re either:
1) Finnish
2) ‘Power metal with harsh vocals’
3) “Too cheesy”
153. Keep on writing the same album over and over again and fans still love you for it.
154. Insomnium are a TRUE melodic death metal band not from Sweden.
155. It’s okay if you like NEW In Flames just keep it a secret, and always praise the classic albums.
156. If you are a TRUE melodic death metal fan, w/e a band tries something new, like clean vocals and less solos/leads, you automatically call them nu-metal.
157. Come Clarity isn’t nu-metal.
158. Always end albums with acoustic passages, and if your first album doesn’t have female vocals your are not MDM!
158. Rules are pretty much to read.
159. Melodic death metal can be “not Swedish”… but if it’s not Swedish, then it must be Finnish or metalcore…
160. Have one word album titles.
161. Don’t name your band ____ of _____.
162. Sing clean in at least one song per album doing with a female vocalist.
163. Have a female vocalist in at least one of each album.
164. Have a female vocalist in at least one of your albums ever to be released whether you are singing clean or not.
165. You MUST write about Satanism or depression. Your band must also be referred to something to “sanity”, “depression” or “Satanism”.
166. Always release a hidden Japanese bonus track not even Japanese people know about and always play them at your concerts to confuse your fans. Better yet, make the Japanese bonus track always a ballad.
167. Your singer must be playing or have had played an instrument in your past career or your singer sucks.
168. You should also preferably be switching members continuously with other melodic death metal bands or bands coming from Gothenburg and throw in annoying Iron Maiden-sounding riffs to annoy the haters of melodic death metal for not being original.
169. If your band was created after 2000, you are just a wannabe.
170. Try to copy Anders Fridén’s dreads or better yet, make it curly like Mikael Stanne’s.
171. If you fail to write lyrics about “depression”, “death”, “Satanism”, and the downfall of humanity, at least try to make the lyrics so hard to understand or interpret as possible and always line up the words with word x/word y in a true Mikael Stanne style.
172. Let one of the band members make your cover art no matter how much he suck at drawing.
173. Finnish “battery” solos shouldn’t be used in melodic death metal.
174. Alexi Laiho is not the motherfucking best guitarist in the world and do not try to complain.
175. Better come nude than with an american band T-Shirt to a melodic death concert.
176. One band member must have dreads and one has to be bald.
177. Always remember to mention that Dark Tranquility has always remained true melodic death metal band.
178. If you are Norwegian, you CANNOT play melodic death metal.
179. If you are Norwegian, move to Sweden immediately.
180. If you are Norwegian and insist on playing melodic death metal in Norway, be prepared to be executed by pissed off Swedes.
181. If you are Finnish and play melodic death metal, be prepared to be laughed at by all of the Scandinavian countries.
182. If you are into melodic death metal, then you must, at all times, consider black metal gay (no exceptions to this rule ever).
183. If someone insists that metalcore and melodic death metal are sister genres, violently attack this person until he changes his mind.
184. When playing on stage always tell the crowd you love Dark Tranquility (better yet always wear a Dark Tranquility tour shirt at all times).
185. If someone doesn’t like Dark Tranquility they are gay.
186. Being emo isn’t part of being into melodic death metal.
187. Never be emo (if you are, be prepared to be laughed at and have eggs thrown at you).
188. If you aren’t Swedish, then change your name so everyone thinks you are.
189. If your a male and into melodic death metal, always date a Swedish hottie.
190. If your girlfriend isn’t Swedish have her change her name so everyone thinks she is.
191. The only other nationality who can play melodic death metal as well as the Swedes are Canadians, because Canada rocks.
192. Always have at least 5 copies of Carcass‘s Heartwork album in your collection.
193. All Carcass albums before and after <em<Heartwork are gay.
194. If your a male musician and into melodic death metal and want to be considered tr00, sleep with Angela Gossow.
195. If your a male musician, tell everyone you know you met and slept with Angela Gossow (it doesn’t matter if its a lie you want to be tr00 don’t you).
196. Make sure your girlfriend dresses and looks like Angela Gossow.
197. Never ever say that Come Clarity is a good album.
198. If someone says Come Clarity is a good album, they’re gay.
199. No exceptions to rules 197 and 198 EVER.
200. Never ever wear corpse paint on stage.
201. Always spell true and cult like this Tr00 and Kvlt (intentionally misspelling these words like a uneducated moron makes you kvlt as fuck).
202. When making posts about how to be a tr00 melodic death metal fan, remember to mention the rule about not being like Anders Fridén every 20 posts or so.
203. Remember, to be considered tr00, you must like at least four melodic death metal bands from Sweden and NO ABBA DOESN’T Count.
204. Anyone who likes ABBA is either your dad in disguise or just gay.
205. Remember, you’re into melodic death metal, which is a very refined genre of metal. Therefore, being elitist is considered kvlt.
206. Never wear a bullet belt to a melodic death metal concert or risk being branded a poser.
207. Never show up at a melodic death metal concert wearing a Viking helmet asking the hottie swede girls if they want to see your Viking horn. You’ll just get beat up by a blond bearded guy named Olaf.
208. Any male who shows up at a melodic death metal concert wearing a pink shirt and dockers is a preppy and deserves to be beat up.
209. Definitely beat up the preppies.
210. Rule 209 shall apply at all times no matter where you are.
211. Never wear preppy clothes or you’re gay.
212. If your girlfriend is a preppy but is Swedish and a hottie definitely date her. You are a melodic death metal fan with superb tastes after all.
213. If you meet a girl who likes melodic death metal, definitely marry her. MDM women rock.
214. If you run into an emo kid, then just cross out the word preppy from rule number 209 and substitute the word emo and go at er.
215. For the love of God, remember that ABBA IS NOT melodic death metal.
216. Melodic death metal is only melodic death metal until instruments that aren’t an electric guitar, bass or drums are introduced. Then it becomes viking metal.
217. Norther is the most fucking overrated band all around.
218. Clean singing in MDM is not the “gay” or “emo” way, unlike metalcore such as Caliban.
219. Don’t even try to call Children Of Bodom melodic death. They are some sort of brutal power metal.
220. Dark Tranquility is the trvest MDM band ever.
221. The best one of all Finnish is definitely Insomnium, despite not being so much melodeath. There have many doom and a few gothic influences.
222. Sonic Syndicate is gay metalcore with gay emo guitarists and one of them was wearing a My Chemical Romance sweatshirt on the promo photo. Karin is a hot chick, though.
223. Sabine Scherer of Deadlock is awesome.
224. Take that fucking t-shirt off her.
225. Deadlock is one of a few exceptions to be good MDM band, despite not coming from Sweden or Finland.
226. Wintersun is a great band, but certainly not MDM!!!
227. In Flames has already fallen into crappy mallcore.
228. Just another reminder that: NO, ABBA ISN’T MDM.
229. While we’re at it: NO, THE SWEDISH ’80s BAND NAMED EUROPE IS NOT MDM EITHER.
230. Always remember that the album titled Slaughter Of The Soul by At The Gates shall always be a MDM album classic.
231. People who don’t like the album, Slaughter Of The Soul, are gay.
232. Always remember The Jester Race by In Flames is also a MDM album classic.
234. People who don’t like The Jester Race are also gay.
235. Now that I think about it, be sure to consider anyone who doesn’t like MDM gay.
236. You’re not allowed to enjoy American music except for a select few ’80s and ’90s bands.
237. Move out of America ASAP and go to Northern Europe.
238. Don’t make “catchy” choruses, or you are a sell out.
239. Kvlt metalheads are gay. (real) Trve listeners listen to it for the music not the image.
240. Don’t ever tour in Atlanta because it is apparent that it is a sin for more than one good metal band a year to come here.
241. Make your first ever North America tour a Canada only tour. Because we’re more grim. (Fuck yeah Kalmah).
242. If you tour Canada, make absolutely sure you tour through every single major city (no exception to this rule EVER).
242. If you’re going to play in Canada, only play in Ontario and Quebec. And maybe Vancouver. No one lives in the other provinces.
243. If you’re from the UK or USA, you’re not melodic death metal, you’re metalcore. Even if you’re an At The Gates cover band, you’re metalcore.
244. Try to tour in eastern Europe a bit. No MDM band ever came to Balkan. Change that.
245. Always include Denmark as Scandinavian country.
246. Your drummer MUST wear basketball sneakers.
247. If asked, Wichers + Ranta is the winning combination!
248. Don’t tag in Last.fm every metalcore or emo bands as melodic death… cause they are not! (oh come on is Sonic Syndicate really melodic death? just emo).
249. Don’t be Anders Fridén, be Björn “Speed” Strid on catchy songs!
250. Your drummer must use blast beat at least… whole album.

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