101 Rules for… NWOBHM

February 21, 2016 § Leave a comment

1. The more obscure the better.
2. Hearing Metallica‘s cover of “Am I Evil?” does not make you a NWOBHM fan.
3. Without Diamond Head, there would be no Metallica.
4. Without NWOBHM, there would be no Thrash.
5. Constantly complain that Thrash “killed off” NWOBHM; while secretly liking Thrash.
6. When someone asks you what NWOBHM stands for, tell them something like “the best genre of music, ever.” Make sure they still don’t understand what it means.
7. Iron Maiden after “Killers” is not NWOBHM.
8. Complain that Iron Maiden “stole” Bruce Dickinson from Samson, while praising him for his work in Iron Maiden.
9. Dress like you’re from the ’80s, this includes long unkempt hair, ripped jeans, ripped denim jackets with obscure band patches and an even more obscure band t-shirt.
10. Pagan Altar are gods amongst men, this is unarguable. « Read the rest of this entry »


101 Rules for… Power Metal

December 21, 2014 § Leave a comment

1. You have one goal: be epic.
2. Let no sound be lonely. If there’s a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there’s singing, make it a choir.
3. Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write.
4. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.
5. You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness.
6. You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal.
7. Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel!
8. You are allowed to be blonde.
9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.
10. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don’t get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. HammerFall has their steel, hammers, and Templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkien. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else. « Read the rest of this entry »

101 250 Rules for… Melodic Death Metal

September 7, 2014 § Leave a comment

1. Metalcore is not melodic death metal.
2. Don’t be Anders Fridén.
3. Claim that you are open to all genres of music, but only listen to melodic death metal.
4. If a band changes their sound, even a little bit, even in the opposite direction of mainstream music, accuse them of being sell-outs.
5. If you’re not Swedish, pretend to be.
6. Pretend that you see the difference between Children Of Bodom, Norther and dozens more Finnish bands.
7. Gothenburg, Sweden was named after the genre (without In Flames and Dark Tranquillity, it would be the nameless place!!!).
8. Opeth is not Gothenburg!!! (if you think otherwise drop yourself to a bottomless pit, you psycho!!).
9. If somebody tells you that At The Gates are the fathers of metalcore, punch him in the face.
10. Although Alexi Laiho paints his fingernails black, if you do the same you will look as gay, not as true Children Of Bodom fan. « Read the rest of this entry »

101 Rules for… Thrash Metal

June 15, 2014 § Leave a comment

1. Be violent.
2. Be aggressive.
3. Show hate.
4. If you can’t show hate, show some anger.
5. But not St. Anger.
6. You are forbidden to show emotions.
7. Well, you can show anger.
8. But not St. Anger.
9. Never, ever, under any circumstances smile. Smiling is gay.
10. Thus, Anthrax is the gayest band ever. « Read the rest of this entry »

101 Rules for… Glam Metal

March 10, 2014 § Leave a comment

1. Make sure you use at least 5 cans of hairspray a day.
2. Makeup is mandatory.
3. Your guitar should be brightly colored.
4. One of your main goals is to see how many amps you can fit on stage.
5. Your other is to see how many half naked female dancers you can fit on stage.
6. You should always be wearing spandex pants.
7. If you look at all like a man, then you aren’t ready to leave the house.
8. Every song that you write should be about drugs or sex.
9. The main riff of your songs should be two power chord eighth notes followed by a rest. See “Cherry Pie” by Warrant.
10. Your solos should be melodic, and repetitive. See “Talk Dirty To Me” as made famous by Poison. « Read the rest of this entry »

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